This story is a sequel to "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," and "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," and "No Winter Lasts Forever."

Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Virginia "Pepper" Potts.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Inferences of past child abuse, mind control, and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: Bucky has a bad day when his memory won't boot up quite right. This makes other people stressed out too. Attempts to help are partially successful, but then the team dynamics go severely pear-shaped.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Vulgar language. Flangst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Friendship. Confusion. Memory loss. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Self-harm. Tony!whump. Tony Stark has a heart. Tony doesn't like being handed things. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Games. Trust issues. Consent. Safety and security. Artificial intelligence. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Communication. Personal growth. Cooking. Americana. Family of choice. Feels. #coulsonlives.

Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33. Skip to Part 36, Part 37, Part 38, Part 39.


"Hide and Seek" Part 34


"Yeah ... about that," Tony said. "In the garage, I let you see something that nobody's ever seen before, because I needed it to help Bucky. I knew you and Steve wouldn't want me just disappearing with him, so ... that's what I did instead." His voice hitched and skipped over the words. "It was good for me, too, I think. Just. Hard, you know? Because usually when I leave myself open like that, people reach in and hurt me. You didn't. You held back. You were willing to look, but not touch. Huh, read-only access. I needed ... to see it. To know that you'd do that."

"You needed to trust us," Phil said softly. "You needed us to trust that you knew what you were doing."

Tony nodded, his eyes huge and bright with unshed tears. "Yeah."

Phil understood that trust came hard for Tony. Howard had given his son plenty of things but rarely attention. Alcohol only added to the erratic emotional environment. That left Tony with disorganized attachment that still showed in his current relationships, where he tended to waffle between pulling people closer and pushing them away. Tony's faith in his teamfamily now relied on consistency and honesty. That made Phil realize that he needed to share something more.

"I have a confession," Phil said. "When we were searching for you, I thought that you might have hidden in the toolshed. I made a decision about that. I would have saved it for the absolute last place in the tower, but if we hadn't found you anywhere else, I would have looked there."

"It's okay," Tony said with a wavering smile. "If something had gone really wrong in there, so that I couldn't just haul Bucky out myself, I would have called you and Steve through the door. I wouldn't have let you see the toolshed in the first place if I didn't trust you. Hell, I wouldn't have let you in my garage."

"Thank you for placing that much faith in us," Phil said.

"Thanks for being worth it," Tony said. "I'm just glad it didn't come to that. Being that vulnerable hurts too much. It's like -- like when I first had to learn how to breathe around the electromagnet, with the raw ends of my ribs shifting against the casing every time I took a breath. Too new. Too big. Too open."

"That sounds terrible," Phil said. He'd seen images of Tony's chest with the shadowy ring of cartilage and bone that Yinsen had grafted together around the white hole of metal. "You healed around it, though -- even made it better, with the arc reactor. Now it's a source of power instead of pain."

"Story of my life," Tony said.

"Turning vulnerabilities into strengths? Yes, I suppose it is," Phil said. "It might help for you to try mapping your boundaries. List what you feel comfortable doing and what you don't, which people have access to different parts of your life, how safe you feel relying on them, and so forth."

"I'm not really good at that. I don't see boundaries the same way other people do, I guess. I do better flying by the seat of my pants," Tony said.

"Until you bend over too far and rip something," Phil said.

"Well ... yeah, that's on YouTube," Tony said.

Sadly in several versions, figurative and literal, Phil mused. Aloud he added, "You don't have to be perfect at this. There are worksheets and things that can help."

Tony made a face. "Now you're giving me homework?"

"Just suggestions," Phil said. "You've used computer metaphors several times. If that works for you, go with it. The similarities between appropriate personal boundaries and user authorizations are close enough that it should make some real improvement."

"Okay. I'll see what I can do with that," Tony said.

"I wish you would take more care with Bucky in particular," Phil said. "You keep drawing him deeper into levels of intimacy that you don't feel fully comfortable with. I don't want you to hurt yourself in the process. That's bad for you, and bad for the team."

"I can take it," Tony said.

"Can you really?" Phil said. "I look at what happened in the garage, both times -- you pulled yourself so far open in the morning, I think it made you clench up tighter in the evening. Then you weren't the only one who got hurt by that; you blew up and took it out on everyone else in range."

"Well, that's what happens when things are under pressure. They tend to explode," Tony said. He flung up his hands in illustration of that.

"We need to think of ways to minimize that kind of damage," Phil said.

"What would you suggest, then?" Tony asked. "I can't just ignore Bucky when he's falling apart on me, any more than I could ignore an engine falling out of my car."

"Try a more oblique approach to tapping off the pressure, if you can't always think of a solution that avoids building it up. I think you should work on asking for what you need in ageplay," Phil said. "If that means requesting extra time with me, I'll give you as much as I can. If that means misbehaving, it's okay, do that. Holding it in until it spurts out sideways is not helping. Game night is our safe space to let off steam. A safety valve only works if it can open at need, not if it's latched shut."

"I'm not sure ..." Tony said. One heel kicked against the couch.

"Let's try it," Phil said. "Most of the other team members have had some one-on-one time with Uncle Phil. Maybe that would help you too. We could explore that tonight, if you like."

"I can't switch down," Tony said quietly. "I've tried, in private. You said I needed more coping skills, so I thought maybe that would work for me, hug a teddy bear or something. Didn't work. I'm stuck. It's
like -- like a cramp, I can't move, can't work it out."

* * *

Notes:

Many life rules revolve around vulnerability and trust, which are often painful but necessary things. The need to trust is a vital component of happiness, as is the need to feel love. Emotions aren't just ephemeral feelings; they correlate with powerful neurochemicals that match the development of trust and betrayal. The difference between trust and reliance is a crucial part of what allows society to function, because we don't always know people well enough to trust them but often need to rely on strangers. Understanding the aspects of trust makes it easier to work with. Read some instructions for trusting yourself, trusting others, and being trustworthy. Tony is just getting to where he feels the need to trust and be trusted, but doesn't always know what to do with that.

Read-only access can refer to computer memory or file system permissions, both useful in considering social interactions.

Attachment theory describes different types of relationship between parents and children. Abuse or other unhealthy dynamics can rupture the natural connection, creating a reactive attachment disorder. There are ways to heal the damage and develop healthy attachment, and you can see how much of this Phil has been doing with the Avengers. Attachment theory for adults mainly focuses on romantic relationships, but it really applies to a wider range. Adult attachment therapy uses some of the same techniques as for children. Tony has disorganized attachment but leans toward insecure/avoidant, showing a push-pull pattern with mixed behaviors from other categories which is visible in canon. Bucky is disorganized largely due to the energy interference and mind control damage, but still has the remnants of secure attachment. Steve is quite secure, hence one of the most balanced Avengers. Bruce is insecure/anxious, often motivated by fear, with a tendency toward regressive and clingy behavior.

Honesty is a crucial friendship skill. Understand how to be honest without being harsh. Healthy relationships require effective communication. Parents need to encourage children toward open discussion of difficult topics in case trouble arises. Practice open and honest communication in relationships. Notice that Tony and Phil are talking not just about what happened, but what could have happened; that gives them a better idea of how each of them will respond in the future. It's a different kind of radical honesty than what Bucky did by revealing his side of the garage fight, but it's a similar move to strengthen relationships by sharing touchy information that could easily have been left hidden.

Healing from past trauma can be a long journey, especially if there are complications. There are steps for recovering from adult trauma and childhood trauma. Be gentle with yourself while healing. It takes time and work to transmute weaknesses to strengths.

Healthy personal boundaries have different types and textures. Dysfunctional families tend to have unhealthy boundaries plagued by invasions. Developing maturity requires establishing appropriate boundaries. Understand the components of boundaries so that you can build and preserve yours. Boundaries nest in rings, from the self through intimate relationships to more distant ones. People in different rings are allowed or disallowed different behaviors. List some of your boundaries and actions you take to protect them.  One of my readers found a checklist of physical boundaries like the always-sometimes-never set I mentioned.

Sometimes trying to help winds up hurting someone instead. When people are in pain, they tend to lash out at everyone around them. They may turn to self-destructive behavior, claiming that they're only hurting themselves, because they don't see how hurting themselves also hurts other people. There are ways to deal with a self-destructive friend. Tony's boundary-blindness makes it difficult for him to gauge how close connections are, and therefore, it's hard for him to feel how his actions impact others until people show or tell him explicitly.

Stress has many negative effects on life. Pressure release valves are therefore necessary to prevent emotional explosions. Know how to release pressure and relieve stress. Coordinate efforts with a stress management plan. You can help a stressed friend too.


[To be continued in Part 35 ...]